The reality is that while it might look like I’m sound asleep, perfectly still and eyes shut, inside I’m anything but.
It’s like my mind comes to life as soon as I hit the bed.
I started to think about this because I have a Fitbit, which supposedly tracks your sleep. I checked it this morning and it said I’d slept for 5 hours. I knew this was not right but realised that to my Fitbit I’m acting like I’m asleep. In fact if anyone observed me they’d think I was peacefully sleeping. However, although my body make give this impression to external observers, they can’t see what my minds doing.
It turns onto full throttle, super charged mode – which I dont have the brakes to stop. I’ve tried meditation, warm milk, rainfall sounds, medications, reading, having a bath… nothing seems to put me in a calm enough state to switch off.
I do eventually get to sleep but it takes a few hours. It’s not as though I’m only reeling through negative thoughts… it seems to be anything and everything. Ideas for blog posts, going over conversations I’ve had that day, plans for the future, creative ideas… my mind seems to think of endless possibilities to keep me awake.
I wonder if this will get easier. Having a young son who is a frequent waker doesn’t make sleep very easy… I’ve been used to waking up multiple times a night for the last 11 months. I guess it will take time to adjust back to deep sleep (when my son decides he’d like to sleep through the night!).
For now, I’ll keep practising the meditation, having calm wind downs in the evening with Mandala drawing and if necessary take medication.