depression · My Story

The truth of my PND

Dancing

I’ve noticed the weirdest thing…

When I’m sad I write about positive things.
When I’m happy I can write about negative times.

I’ve only been writing this blog for a month but it’s been one of the hardest months of my life. But I bet you’d never know that from the blog posts I’ve written. This isn’t because I’m trying to mask it, but because when I’m down, I find it impossible to write about those feelings. I’m only able to write about positive stuff, which is great because it helps change my mindset and distract myself from the negativity. A kind of self-directed therapy.

However, I’ve been feeling a bit better for the last few days, hence this blog post… I think I’m now able to write a little bit about the struggles I’ve been going through.

The last 4 weeks, have been a massive struggle for me personally, as well as having a teething, non-sleeping baby. To be honest, the last 10 months have been very difficult.

Since the birth of my son I have been on an enormous journey. This blog shows some of the things I’ve learnt, some techniques I use to help with my depression & anxiety, as well as showing some of the struggles I go through while healing.

It’s quite difficult to put my troubles into words. The sense of being overwhelmed, sad and very confused come to mind. I have been recording a score for each day of the last month to monitor my mood/emotional pain/anxiety. 10 being the worst and 0 would be feeling fine. Here’s a graph of how the last month looks:

Graph

There have been a couple of days where I’ve scored 10 and these were the absolute worst days. Days that I didn’t know if I could carry on, everything became overwhelming and I was extremely sad. It was on days like this that I looked to Twitter (the lovely #PNDfamily), my husband, my blog and also support from my excellent therapist, to pull myself out of the black hole.

Looking at the graph now I can see I’m slowly moving into a period of calm, scoring 2 for the last few days. Life certainly isn’t perfect, I’d like to live without any depression or anxiety but I’m certainly pleased to be out of the red…

I have no idea how long this apparent break will last. I can hope/pray/plead that things will continue in the right direction but I know that is not always the case with depression and anxiety. I guess I’m mentally preparing myself for more bad days… even without PND there will always be problems in life. However, I’m hoping that I’ll be able to use all the skills I’m learning to help manage these times.

And if trouble strikes again, I know I’ll have this blog to keep me going. Its a way that I’m able to dance in the rain during the storms of depression.

Be kind to yourself

Mummuddlingthrough
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6 thoughts on “The truth of my PND

  1. Sending you lots of love and support – I can’t pretend I know what it’s like, because I don’t. But I’m so so glad you’re in a period of relative calm at the moment and long may that continue. But you know what? If it doesn’t – that’s okay too. If things don’t keep improving, you’ve not failed and it’s normal to have ups and downs. Keep going, because I know you can do it. LPMxxx

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  2. Sending you lots of love. I remember the absolute black hole of my worst PND days, and that same feeling of trying to enjoy the calm but always wondering when it would end. Keep on keeping on lovely, you’re doing great and you can – and will – get through this x #coolmumclub

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    1. Thank you, that’s really nice to hear. Also knowing that I’m not alone and others are going through the same thing, or have gone through the same thing. Fingers crossed that I stay in the light for a while ūüôā xx

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