My recovery from Postnatal Depression is a long one, it’s been a journey that’s felt emotionally and physically gruelling.
However, over the last few days I’ve begun to feel a little lighter. I started to think about why this might be and realised that I was finally letting go of some of my emotional baggage.
I had been carrying around tons of it – anger, sadness, grief, fear. I think it was so heavy that it was making my back hurt – literally and I’d get awful headaches. All the while I wasn’t conscious of what was causing all this pain. Now I can see that it could have been caused by the weight of the emotional pain that I was carrying around with me.
I’ve been talking to my therapist and also writing a lot about my past, my relationships, unresolved conflicts etc. I can finally feel some relief. It’s as though I don’t have to carry it around with me anymore. I have started to realise what these emotions are, where they came from and how they’ve shaped me, but most importantly that I don’t need to carry them with me in the present.
I’m learning that it’s best to try and deal with issues or problems as they come up and importantly to talk about them (in the form of verbal talking or writing). This way I’m addressing things at the time and I can stop suppressing my emotions – which I think just leads to carrying a heavy load.
I think this change was definitely influence by having my son. Having a baby meant that I had to make some emotional space. My son brought so many new experiences and emotions to me but I had no room to process them – my mind was overloaded with the past. I’m really glad that I’m learning on this journey to recovery – there has to be some positive to come from this depression. Plus, I’m able to pass on this knowledge to my son and hopefully be a better parent in the process.